Blot on the landscape

Here in the black, there's a feeling of loss, but it's hungry and restless and it's Looking, desperate for something and it feels like a child but they're screaming all helpless and it's Absent of mercy, it's alive and it feels with not a shred of compassion or love It comes like a pouring of evil, it's a stain when the ground is a desolate shadow of fear. Gary Numan. Here in the Black. From the album  Splinter (Songs from a Broken Mind) As I’ve mentioned several times previously, choosing which artist and lyrics to quote is something I enjoy each day. Today I’ve gone back to Gary Numan. It’s a dark lyric but appropriate. Numan’s music has been with me since the late seventies and my late childhood/early teens.  If you’ve not seen it, Gary Numan: Android in La La Land (2016) is a fascinating documentary that gives a real insight into the impact various mental health challenges and mental illness can have and on coming through the other side. It’s at times de...

So who's to take the blame for the stormy weather? You're never gonna stop all the teenage leather and booze It's time to go round A one-man showdown, teach us how to fail We're off the streets now And back up the road on the riot trail Sonic Youth. Teenage Riot. Nobody warns you how exhausting mental illness is and just how many times you will have to recall the whole trauma of your onset, journey, current feelings and hopes/fears. I’ve counted 16 professionals to date. Compare to say breaking a leg. You’ll likely be asked initially how you did it, but from then on, the treatment you’ll receive for it won’t require you to relive the incident, the pain and the agony. It’s seemingly very different with mental illness. The pain, torment and trauma is all that you are asked to talk about, countless times, before, during and in follow up treatment. That’s an observation of mine, I can only comment on my experience, I don’t profess or pretend to speak for others. Hopefully t...

They try to move us; to use us Like Judas did Jesus; to please us Diverting the issues to misuse the peoples How are we gonna get them out? How are we gonna vote them out? Fun Lovin’ Criminals. I can’t get with that. Today’s lyrical choice was more about wanting to squeeze in a Fun Lovin’ Criminal’s track more than any specific reference. Though the way the world is going, I don’t see anyone being voted out of power any time soon either side of the Atlantic.  A good friend suggested trying to switch off from reading/watching world news at the onset of my mental ill health, but I  found It hard to do so as I was used to keeping up on current issues.  More recently I’ve shied away from the news, partly I  think down to finally recognising I needed to refocus and partly down to my meds/brain just not being interested. There’s surely only so much disheartening news anyone can take! So yesterday was quite an unremarkable day. We over slept and didn’t wake till nearly 11am...

So  now I want to get something for me, now I want to get something for me. I’ve  swallowed air, I’ve  had my bellyful. I don't want to lose it when we have no cause, I don't want to lose it but the choice is yours. Neds Atomic Dustbin. Swallowing Air. Sunday, no great plans. Slept really well and don’t recall having any dreams for the first time since starting on Mirtazapine. Took an effort to get out of bed, but helped my wife clean the cottage. After yesterday’s shaky start, the day definitely got better. We’ve a number of large fruit trees in the back garden. We’ve had a huge harvest of apples in particular this year. But it’s time for the trees to have a hard prune once all fruit is picked.  Despite it being decidedly chilly and breezy, we stripped one of the biggest trees of its bountiful harvest and my wife agreed to allowing me to then prune the tree back. So armed with secateurs, heavy duty clippers, a pruning saw and a large bow saw, plus two sets of ladder...

L ooking for the things he'll never find, talks too much about suicide, who can tell what's on his mind? Here comes everyone. Live fast, die young,  leave a good looking corpse,  I'm only joking of course. The Wonder Stuff. Here Comes Everyone Saturday afternoon and I’m reflecting on the past few days, weeks and months.  It was the first week of 2020 I drove to meet a colleague and realised something was not right with my mental health and I needed a break from work. Saw my GP a couple of days later and said I thought I maybe needed a couple of weeks on an anti depressant as I just didn’t feel right and needed a boost.  As we head toward autumn/winter and I end another week off work and away from my ‘normal life’, I’m finally thinking for the first time since January of what my future might include.  I hadn’t appreciated just how I’ll I’d become, nor how many challenges we would face in getting the treatment needed for my first ever episode of mental illness. Wh...

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground Try this trick and spin it, yeah Your head will collapse But there's nothing in it And you'll ask yourself Where is my mind? The Pixies. Where Is My Mind Had our final phone call with the Crisis Team yesterday afternoon and my wife and I sat down to write my Crisis Plan together, an excellent, short document that sets out clearly what should be put in place should I ever need to access the service again.  I’ve already met the CPN from the Community Mental Health Team who will be working with me to formulate my care plan for the short, medium and long term and she will be visiting on Tuesday morning to start the process.  I’ve enjoyed communicating with one of the TEWV Mental Health Trust’s senior managers, who I am speaking with next week and was also delighted to receive an invite to speak with the CEO in the near future. There’s a significant amount of learning for the organisation from my journey since January and I want...

  May your mind set you free (chorus: opened by the wonderful)   May your heart lead you on May your mind let you breathe all of disaster  ( chorus: opened by the wonderful) May your heart lead you on James. Waltzing Along Proper horrible start to the day, such a graphic nightmare, it’s impossible to describe just how real they feel. I was apparently whimpering in my sleep when I was dreaming of pleading with police to handcuff me at the top of a cliff to stop me jumping off. It was just a dream but it was SO real. Nothing like I’ve experienced. Not everyone gets this side effect from Mirtazapine, it’s unpleasant, but I’ll tolerate bad dreams if it means I continue to make so much progress in my mental health recovery. I had to get a James lyric in as the very last song that I heard as a single man, on my way to the registry office in 1991 was Sit Down. I don’t have a lot to say about yesterday. The weather was awful and I had a lazy day. I spent a good three hours plus w...

  Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my thing (yeah go ahead!) I wanta get into it, man, you know (go ahead!) Like a, like a sex machine, man, (yeah go ahead!) Movin' and doin' it, you know.  Can I count it off? (Go ahead) One, two, three, four! J ames Brown. Get Up I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine Yesterday I covered drugs and rock and roll. So as promised, today, let’s talk about sex. Don’t be alarmed, just a brief mention, I am British after all and I don’t want to make my kids squirm with embarrassment. Well not on his occasion, surely that is part of every Dads role every now and then...! For those of you new to this blog, a quick summary. Toward the end of 2019, I started feeling not so great mentally. January 2020, my GP prescribed anti depressants and said don’t try to do any work and if I wanted any kind of help, I’d really have to pay to go private as services were virtually non existent for people of my age with my condition. Due to Covid, that was a non starter a...

  Keep your silly ways or throw them out the window The wisdom of your ways, I've been there and I know Lots of other ways, what a jolly bad show If all you ever do is business you don't like Ian Dury and The Blockheads. Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll. Another night of really violent and frightening dreams. They seem so real it takes a while to comeback to the here and now when I wake and realise they were simply dreams. Felt okay, had a relaxing bath and a pretty chilled morning. I sat in the sun, in the back garden and jotted a few notes on my phone to remind myself what I wanted to discuss during my appointment in the afternoon with the Mental Health Crisis Team Consultant Psychiatrist.  2pm and I sat with my wife, or carer as her NHS label reads, for our NHS Attend Anywhere appointment. The tech worked fine this time, having crashed five times on the last appointment! DRUGS We reviewed progress and meds. Stop Fluoxetine immediately. Hooray! Reduce Diazepam. Hooray! Contin...

I was lost Now I'm found I believe in you I got no bounds  I'm movin' on up now Getting out of the darkness My light shines on  My light shines on  Primal Scream. Movin’ on up. Ah Monday, you son of a bitch. Hits me every week, probably like most, a different feel to my mood instantly. Means I instantly get that reminder when the alarm rings, that my wife is back at work and yet again, since January 2020, I’m not. I instantly feel my mood lower or already wake lower as my brain starts that downward trajectory on Sunday evening of what Monday means. I spent the best part of five hours trying to write yesterday’s blog, interspersed with watching the British Touring Car Championship on ITV2. It took so long writing for a number of reasons.    My concentration isn’t great due to the meds and the depression. I wanted to write something that really captured where I was at and constantly re read each word, sentence, paragraph and heading. I needed to capture how much J...

Stop trying to push me. C ause you don't know! I wanna get down, man, like  Go man go! He's insisting but I'm  Still not listening. You're scratching around just t rying to fit in, well mo ve on people. There ain't nothing to see. The Jim Jones Revue. It’s gotta be about me.  T ook a lot of time to get going Saturday morning, doubtless down to the effects of my new medication regime.  Mirtazapine, has increased to 30mg from 15mg earlier this week, combined with the regular 10mg of  Diazepam a day, whilst reducing my Fluoxetine from 40mg to 20mg. I’m happy with the plan for my medication, as is my wife and my Consultant Psychiatrist and the Crisis Team. Long term we’re working toward removing the Fluoxetine completely, slowly reducing the diazepam, and optimising the dose of Mirtazapine, which touch wood, is having the impact we all hoped it might. It’s my fourth anti depressant in eight months. Medication in psychiatry isn’t scientific, it’s mostly trial and err...