Blot on the landscape

Y ou rescue me You are my faith, my hope, my liberty And when there's darkness all around You shine bright for me You are the guiding light To me To me To me You are a tower of strength to me  The Mission. Tower of Strength. It’s Monday morning, it’s pouring with rain and my wife has just set off to her work wearing full scrubs and medical grade PPE to assess a patient. My youngest daughter has come round whilst she is away, to use our gym equipment and to just be around. This gives my wife some reassurance that I have company whilst she is away.  Whilst I don’t have any active suicidal thoughts, the switch to a new medication regime is a bit of a step into the unknown and it was shortly after a switch that I attempted suicide when my wife popped out shopping. It was very much a spur of the moment thing. I hadn’t anticipated carrying out the attempt, nor had I really planned it. The spontaneity of the attempt shook me and also my wife. I think we are both hyper aware of the ri...

Feeling browbeaten day after day, I think It's over but I just can't get away. You said forget it, Well don't go jump to the gun, You're laughing this time next time you might be the one To tell... (the story of the blues) The Mighty Wah. The Story of the Blues Part 1.  Woke this morning and glanced on Twitter to see a post by  @SteveFeekins  highlighting a radio interview with Bolton Wanderers FC boss, Ivan Evatt, telling his goalkeeper Billy Crellin to ‘MAN UP‘ following a couple of mistakes in his past two games. Evatt had chosen to double down on ‘Man Up’ by going on to say football is a man’s game.  The @EFL  chosen charity, @MindCharity  and  @womeninfootball must be collectively sick as the proverbial parrots when ‘Old School’ public shaming and such toxic language is used in 2020.  I’ll not waste time discussing the connotations of the phrase, nor the idea that football is a purely a man’s game, but if you want to see just how much work st...

I  don't know what's right and what's real anymore I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore When do you think it will all become clear 'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear Lily Allen. The Fear Feeling a mixture of emotions today. Woke up and took my first dose of Venlafaxine, that has been added to the Mirtazapine. It’s now the fifth antidepressant this year. Bearing in mind it’s my first ever episode of depression, I really didn’t expect to be so drug resistant. But needs must, and the cocktail of meds, known as Californian Rocket Fuel, is known to be effective for some in breaking whatever chemical imbalance and resistance there is. I had to take a baseline of my blood pressure before commencing and was pleased to see I’m still pretty healthy all things considered. 122/66 and a pulse of 66. Not dissimilar to when I first learned to take blood pressures as a student nurse. Back then my BP was almost identical, though because of all the sport I played, ...

All the leaves are brown (All the leaves are brown) And the sky is grey (And the sky is grey) I've been for a walk (I've been for a walk) On a winter's day (On a winter's day) I'd be safe and warm (I'd be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (If I was in L.A.) California dreamin' (California dreamin') The Mamas and the Papas. California Dreamin’.  I’m writing this from a top floor holiday flat, overlooking the whole of the North Bay in Scarborough. My wife has a couple of days annual leave and we booked a very last minute bargain. The sun is out but is still hidden behind the castle. The tide is in and the sea is crashing against the rocks, with the spray covering the pavement and any unsuspecting jogger or dog walker too.  I ended up emailing CMHT yesterday to ask what arrangements could be made to review my medication. Fair play to them, within three hours a registrar was on the phone to my wife. After four anti depressants in nine months, we all agreed som...

Call me (call me) on the line Call me, call me any, anytime Call me (call me) I'll arrive You can call me any day or night Call me Blondie. Call Me. I know, I’ve used another Blondie lyric in a previous post, what was it about phones and Debbie Harry?! We’re heading off for a couple of days by the sea. We should have been going to watch a live theatre production of Rita, Sue and Bob too, but that of course has been postponed. I challenge anyone to act that one out with a two metre distance rule 😂 We’re also going away in limbo. The appointment with my new Consultant Psychiatrist was cancelled on Monday afternoon. It was the previous  Tuesday that my Community Mental Health Nurse last assessed my mood level and both she and my wife both agreed I remain flat and in need of another anti depressant adding to the Mirtazapine I’m currently taking.  My CMHN is an advanced nurse practitioner but hasn’t done the prescribing course. So once again we hit a barrier in my care. I couldn’t...

This simple ongoing concern Is becoming a painful and pointless return The things that they're sick of They're scared to be rid of All I know is we've lost control he said I lay no blame but it's not the same she says Neds Atomic Dustbin. Trust. 10am. Monday 19th October.  My care plan states any phone calls regarding my care should be to my wife, Amanda. My mobile rings. Call I.D. Unknown. Amanda’s mobile then rings. It’s the Community Mental Health Team. Today’s appointment with my new Consultant Psychiatrist has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.  No explanation as to what may happen next, will we get another appointment through the post? Is there someone else available to review my medication and prescribe the additional anti depressant my Community Mental Health Nurse recommended after her visit last Tuesday? Nothing. Just cancelled. Feel totally deflated. It would have been my first appointment with the person who will be overseeing my care and treatm...

W hatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here Radiohead. Creep.  Saturday tea time, a big step as my wife went out to meet a couple of friends, leaving me alone in the house for over two and a half hours, for the first time this year. I cooked a Chinese chicken curry with fried rice for when she got back. Listened to music, cleaned the wood burner and lit a nice fire. I felt okay. Reached out on social media, to keep my mind occupied, and got some nice replies to read and respond to.  It went well and I was happy to have another hour today alone, whilst my wife went shopping. Music straight on, I tidied up and enjoyed watching some of the racing from Goodwood Speed Week. Being able to tolerate listening to music has given me a boost, it’s always been part of my life and apart from the odd day, I’ve not been able to list...

I I will be king And you You will be queen Though nothing Will drive them away We can beat them Just for one day We can be heroes Just for one day David Bowie. Heroes  Today's lyric choice isn't sudden delusions of grandeur, it's simply the first song I listened to last night when I suddenly found myself able to listen to, and really enjoy music again. I'm a regular gig goer usually, I'd not be going at the moment due to my illness, regardless of Covid. But live music had better be around when I'm fit and the world has recovered from the pandemic. Get your hands back in the magic Serco money tree Rishi and support our musicians and venues!!! So yep, glimmers of light, music does influence my mood, so being able to listen really helps, as long as I'm reasonably careful on choices of tracks, I do like a lot of dark stuff, but can avoid it easily enough as I've a pretty eclectic taste.  My wife and I had a great initial meeting yesterday with Brent Kilmurra...

Darling your head's not right I say alone we stand together we fall apart Yeah, I think I'll be alright,  I'm working so I won't have to try so hard Tables, they turn sometimes Oh someday.  I  ain't wasting no more time The Strokes. Someday Big sigh. The last couple of weeks I’ve felt my mood and motivation slipping lower and lower. On the outside I’m functioning to a degree, seeing a few people, mostly family, doing practical stuff like tidying my home office and rearranging/cleaning bedrooms, but inside I’ve known I was beginning to struggle again.  Just had a visit from my Community Mental Health Nurse and it was productive in so much as it helped me to realise I’m not okay at the moment and need to wind back my goals and ambition. I know I’m becoming increasingly impatient and that’s one of the signs we’ve identified in my crisis plan that suggest I’m not well.  But.....it’s so frustrating knowing that getting access to a personal trainer for a short while w...

Now I've got that feeling once again I can't explain you would not understand This is not how I am I have become comfortably numb Scissor Sisters 2004. Comfortably Numb.  Yeah, I know, it was a cover, but it’s my blog so I can chose which version of a song I quote from..... I’ve not blogged for the past few days for a variety of reasons, but mostly as I’d not expected my mood level to fall off a cliff over the weekend.  I’d spent two days clearing my office out. It had become a complete mess before Xmas, my daughters both mentioned it reflected the state of my mind. Completely cluttered and impossible to navigate or find anything..... Anyway, I did manage to mostly clear it, moved furniture around and rediscover my old vinyl collection and CDs. Got my stereo working again and did feel a sense of accomplishment Saturday evening, but by Sunday evening I just didn’t feel right. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Definitely Numb, both mentally and physically. But not in a comfortable w...

Cheers to the freakin' weekend I drink to that, yeah yeah Oh let the Jameson sink in I drink to that, yeah yeah Don't let the bastards get ya down Rihanna. Cheers (Drink to That) Today’s blog is a two for the price of one. Yesterday started off unremarkable, feeling a bit low and empty. I’d made the mistake of logging into LinkedIn for the first time since January and found no messages. I wrote about how quickly you feel invisible. Published it and really didn’t have much else planned. Motorsport, Music and Me Then my phone pinged, and again, and again. Curious, checked what was the cause, I get some notifications, but not the number that were now pinging away. The cause? This  https://twitter.com/pauloneill29/status/1311633990118498305?s=21  Thank you Paul O’Neill. I genuinely didn’t think my music memory would get used. Not only did hearing the tune again spark so many happy memories, but it seemed to chime with a lot of folk, and I got some really lovely messages that prope...

Give me a reason I gotta know Do you feel it too? Can't you see me here on overload And this time I blame you Looking out for you to hold my hand It feels like I could fall David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland. When Love Takes Over Chuckled to myself yesterday thinking about the episode of Father Ted and the speech he makes when accepting the Golden Cleric Award. Well following in a similar vein, and with tongue slightly in cheek, I would like to thank the following men’s health, mental health and suicide charities for reaching out to me in my hours of need: 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️ Where the feck were you?  I’ve quickly learned that developing a mental illness is a great way of becoming invisible to the majority, especially, if certainly not exclusively, in the world of business. I don’t want this to come across as anything other than a reflection of my own personal experience and feelings. Others may perceive things very differently.  I’ve had a lot of wonderfully...