Blot on the landscape

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down a road and back again Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant I'm not ashamed to say I hope it always will stay this way My hat is off, won't you stand up and take a bow Andrew Gold. Thank you for being a friend.  Well 2020 didn’t work out as planned. I can’t imagine there is anyone who won’t be glad to see the back of it. Whilst I think it’s going to take much of 2021 for us to get back to any kind of normality, I do at least go into the new year in a very different place mentally, than 12 months ago. If there are positives I can draw from the last 12 months, one of the biggest is the reset I’ve had in what I value, with friendship right at the top, with of course, family. Through the course of my depression, I’ve had a small number of close friends who have been there through thin and thinner, putting up with my numerous down days, and being there to meet up on my good ones, when COVID rules have allowed. I’ve reconnecte...

I'm tired of your shit Tired of your bullshit Tired of you Tired of your shit Tired of your bullshit Tired of you Adam Ant. Bullshit  2020. What a bloody awful year for humankind. Health, politics, brexit, furlough, proroguing, Cummings and goings, Trump, magas, farage, need I go on? Today I read a paper on Corporate Bullshit, (thanks Roger!) the definition, the culture, its use and how to challenge it. It was an enlightening read in many ways, it’s always useful to have a reminder, given the amount of BS 2020 has turned up.  In Confronting indifference towards truth: Dealing with workplace bullshit (McCarthy et al 2020) the concept is essentially that as long as a leader is not aware of the evidence base or facts, they can say anything without it being a lie, and the more they say it, the more they believe it to be true, and hope that their version or explanation of reality is accepted as fact. I’ve encountered way too much BS in 2020 that impacted on my wellbeing and health ...

 No lyrics today. I thought I’d break with the routine just once to post a photo of myself. I managed to squeeze in a haircut yesterday and am having a good day, so thought why not? 10 points for the eagle eyed of you, if you can name who is hanging on our kitchen wall! Today was the 16th day in a row I’ve either exercised or cycled or both. After a very creaky session with TEC on Thursday when I had all the poise and elasticity of a dried up dead frog, this morning I felt fresh and reasonably flexible. I warmed up ahead of the hour long weights session by doing some curl ups, side planks, bird dogs and dead bugs. I do feel better for doing them and I am aware my balance and coordination has (hopefully) improved.  So on to the session with TEC. He keeps throwing in new lifts and strength and balance exercises, to keep the sessions fresh, but also to teach me a large armoury of lifts and exercises to use once the 12 week case study comes to an end.  We’re now doing three s...

I'm the tiny little ghost That features in your despondent moments The timeless whisper The glassy dude I'm the science of all that's wrong And I'm making you think that you doubt Everything you love But I'm here to stay I'm Miami. Baxter Dury. Miami. I decided the lyric I was going to use from Baxter Dury was maybe a little too strong, it would have conveyed how I’ve felt since Saturday night, but Miami is a great tune. I’d realised at the end of last week I hadn’t listened to music for quite a few days. So as Saturday night’s TV schedule was particularly dull, I donned my ear phones and headed to YouTube to see if I could find some songs I used to listen to as a teen. Joy of joys I found a channel that has uploaded a massive amount of content from John Peel sessions. After an early set from The Stranglers, I took in another four live songs from Siouxsie and the Banshees, Psychedelic Furs and then a brilliant session by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Then it was ...

One day the track that you're climbing gets steep Your emotions are frayed And your nerves are starting to creep Just remember the days As long as the time that you keep Brother, you better watch out for the skin deep The Stranglers. Skin Deep. A bit of a reflective post today. We’ve increased my coaching sessions to three a week as I’m, dare I say it, enjoying them. So instead of my usual lazy Saturday morning, it was a shot of coffee before heading into the garage for more training.  Today was a mix of bench lifts, which is the one I feel most confident at out of the five I’m learning. Today also included barbell row lifts, which I’m pretty comfortable with once I can get in the right position. The reps of 12, 8 etc were definitely easier than the exercises in between lifts. The first set of split  squats had my thighs on fire after yesterday’s tank draining bike session, but once TEC, as we’ll now refer to my personal torturer, had altered my posture and position, they did ...

The new groups are not concerned With what there is to be learned They got burton suits, huh, you think it's funny Turning rebellion into money All over people changing their votes Along with their overcoats If Adolf Hitler flew in today They'd send a limousine anyway The Clash. White Man in Hammersmith Palais. Had to be up early today as my car was due to be inspected before being returned to the lease company. Congestion on the motorway meant the inspectors arrived two hours late, which meant delaying my scheduled training session. Felt my mood immediately drop, everything seems to be complicated and never goes smoothly. Once the car had been signed off and it was driven away I did feel some sense of relief as it’s taken over a month to arrange. It’s an odd feeling not having a replacement, but a car at this time is a luxury and until life returns to some semblance of normality, I'll live without it. It did at least mean I had time to have some food before training. I’ve ...

But I don't sit idly by I'm planning a big surprise I'm gonna fight for what I wanna be And I won't make the same mistakes ('cause I know) Because I know how much time that wastes (and function) Function is the key. Fugazi. Waiting Room. I’ve just realised as I sit down to write this, I’ve not listened to any music for a quite a few days. I was going to say I’ve the 12” vinyl version of Waiting Room. Think I’ll go listen to it when I’ve finished this and see if I’ve just accidentally stopped listening or whether my brain is saying no to music again. I hope not. This morning was my first lesson in using weights. My personal trainer has devised a programme for the next twelve weeks, that will give me the confidence to be competent in five different lifts, along with a host of other exercises. I was a tad nervous before the session, mostly the fear that I wouldn’t be able to balance and would be so unfit I couldn’t lift. It’s not a completely new world as my eldest dau...

Eye to eye stand winners and losers Hurt by envy, cut by greed Face to face with their own disillusions The scars of old romances still on their cheeks And when blow by blow The passion dies sweet little death Just have been lies . Propaganda. Duel.  Today’s lyric isn’t particularly mental health related, it’s a track I’ve always liked and associate with TV coverage from days gone by of BBC’s Rally Report with William Woollard. This time last week I was in the depths of feeling hopeless and helpless. What a difference a week can make. I’ve now exercised five days in a row. Mostly cycling indoors on a turbo trainer on Zwift. I’m generally signing up for training rides, that have structure and purpose, lasting an hour. Today’s ride was designed for people on a training regime for triathlons. It consisted of a three minutes at a gentle pace, then a minute at fast pace, followed immediately by two minutes at a pace still above the FTP figure I achieved on my first session on Thursday. ...

Sun is shinin' in the sky There ain't a cloud in sight It's stopped rainin' everybody's in the play And don't you know It's a beautiful new day, hey hey Electric Light Orchestra. Mr Blue Sky  Today’s lyric reflects a lightening in my mood. I’ve found some hope. Tuesday I’d hit another low, but after a walk and talk on Wednesday I felt a small shift and woke slightly brighter on Thursday morning.  It marked day one of regular sessions with a personal trainer. It’s a twelve week programme, devised to first and foremost, help my mental health improve. There should of course be other multiple benefits to my overall fitness and health. By sheer coincidence, we had a delivery of logs for our fire, and as it was drizzling, I had little choice but to move 1 tonne of logs by hand. A good warm up workout after the recent months of predominantly sedentary behaviour. I spent the afternoon testing all the equipment ready for my first session with the trainer. I’ve a smar...

I've become so numb I can't feel you there (I'm tired of being what you want me to be) I've become so numb I can't feel you there (I'm tired of being what you want me to be) Linkin Park. Numb Today's lyric is mostly reference to my depression. The past seven days have felt exhausting, repetitive and a hard slog. My mood has dipped further and I have a constant feeling that everything will go wrong. It's all encompassing and relates to every single aspect of living. I'm edgy, anxious and really struggling. I've just been out for a walk in the sunshine with my wife, for the first time in a month and we've talked through all that is happening. The amount of time spent talking to all the people involved in my care is actually quite remarkable and has been a real eye opener to us both. We've both recalled our full stories of patient and carer to 28 different people since September 3rd. Each time feels like opening up a wound again and a remind...