Blot on the landscape

Mr. Blue Sky please tell us why You had to hide away for so long (so long) Where did we go wrong? Hey you with the pretty face Welcome to the human race A celebration, Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin' And today is the day we've waited for. ELO. Mr Blue Sky Today marks the end of week 8 of the 12 week case study I’m currently undertaking with TEWV NHS mental health trust and Tristan Eaglen Coaching. I’ve just come inside from a forty five minute unsupervised weights session. That’s five days out of seven I’ve lifted this week. Today consisted of four reps of 10 x barbell overhead presses, 10 x barbell bicep curls and some 20 second pause split squats. TEC introduced those to me in yesterday’s session and as it was an easier session today, I tried to stick to 20 seconds after yesterday’s 15. As of the start of December, I’d not exercised for three months and was piling on the pounds, my antidepressants had just been increased and I had little purpose to my life. A combination ...

  I see a clinic full of cynics Who want to twist the peoples' wrist They're watching every move we make We're all included on their list The lunatics have taken over the asylum The lunatics have taken over the asylum Fun Boy Three. The Lunatics have taken over the asylum Today's lyric choice is really down to a love of the song rather than any deep meaning, though it could be applied to multiple aspects of life right now. I realised yesterday that I need to make plans in advance for Mondays. I woke feeling a bit lost and lacking any purpose. It could so easily have turned into a duvet day, which is no bad thing, but I've not had one for so long that I didn't want that to be the choice I made. Reflecting back to TEC during today's lifting session, Monday's currently remain a harsh reminder of how lost I've become. It's now 12 months since I've worked and each Monday does hurt, that I'm not doing what I used to do. It was also a rest day f...

Days without eating Days without sleeping Days without speaking Don't tell me it's okay To not be okay Then wince at everything I say Svalbard. Listen to Someone. I have to confess I’ve never listened to Svalbard and probably never will. But the lyric from their latest album leapt out at me, when reading an article in The Lancet, that a good friend sent to me, debunking some of the myths around metal music, mental illness and violence.  The past 10 days or so have been a real mixed bag, but on the whole, really positive. The issue with my Venlafaxine was thankfully sorted, I’d definitely not recommend instantly stopping that particular drug, the five days without it were pretty horrible in terms of the physical and mental effects. But perversely it spurred me on to fill the days out, as stopping just compounded all the bad stuff. So for the first time in way too long, I began reaching out to people I’d always loved learning from. They were probably sick of using Zoom by now, bu...

  We had to meet the enemy a mile away Thunder in the air and the skies turned grey Assembling the knights and their swords were sharp There was hope in our English hearts Hear our roar, hear our sound We're gonna fight until we have won this town Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yea! Over the hill with the swords of a thousand men Tenpole Tudor. Swords of a thousand men.  If you’ve never seen Tenpole Tudor, search the song on YouTube. I wish I  had as much energy as he put into his performances! Choice of lyric today is for two reasons, I absolutely love the song. Also, and pertinent to today, why does everything have to be a battle when it comes to mental health? I think it’s six weeks that I’ve been on the current dose of Californian Rocket Fuel. A combination of Mirtazapine and Venlafaxine. I’m in a much better place now, thanks to a lot of factors, in particular the coaching around exercise. Last week I had my first session of coaching via TEWV mental health trust’s ThinkOn p...

  No lyrics today. A moment of quiet reflection instead. It’s 12 months to the day since I went to see my GP as I was feeling exhausted and thought I might need a couple of weeks of anti depressants. Little did I think or know that I wouldn’t be working for the next year as clinical depression well and truly took hold. Before I reflect on those 12 months and try to share a few thoughts and hopefully, some useful pointers, it is also 12 months to the day that another man, who was a husband and a father to two children, died in the exact spot and in the same way, that I had planned after my first suicide attempt failed. The coroner reached an open verdict on the poor man. Despite him having left a note, the way he died could not be 100% proven to be deliberate. He hadn’t tried to access his GP, never mind mental health services, but reading the inquest report in the paper later this year, it was, to me at least, clear what plan he had had. I’d chosen that spot and that method as it w...

Do you have the time to listen to me whine About nothing and everything all at once? I am one of those Melodramatic fools Neurotic to the bone No doubt about it Green Day. Basket Case.  First blog of 2021. New year, new me? Maybe. The difference is the new me has learned to take each day as it comes, not to have high expectations and not to set myself up to fail.  I’m really enjoying the coaching sessions and am almost competent in a wide variety of lifts and balance exercises. For the first time, I did two sessions unsupervised last week, and whilst I deliberately chose lifts I was comfortable with, I challenged myself to do some of the balance exercises I find more challenging to complete a full rep set.  Today I set a couple of personal bests in bench and bicep curls. I can feel myself getting stronger, physically and mentally. Yesterday I had a session on the bike where I just felt really in tune and ready to push myself, which I did in managing to come 2nd out of 190...