A Mix Of Relief And Whole Heap Of Guilt

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

The Pixies. Where Is My Mind

Had our final phone call with the Crisis Team yesterday afternoon and my wife and I sat down to write my Crisis Plan together, an excellent, short document that sets out clearly what should be put in place should I ever need to access the service again. 

I’ve already met the CPN from the Community Mental Health Team who will be working with me to formulate my care plan for the short, medium and long term and she will be visiting on Tuesday morning to start the process. 

I’ve enjoyed communicating with one of the TEWV Mental Health Trust’s senior managers, who I am speaking with next week and was also delighted to receive an invite to speak with the CEO in the near future. There’s a significant amount of learning for the organisation from my journey since January and I want to help, however I can, to ensure the mistakes that were made in my care and the gaps in communication and service are righted for future users of the services.

I felt a sense of calm and relief washing over me when the call ended with the Crisis Team and I let my family and friends know. It’s been such an intense and acute episode, I still can’t quite believe how much better I feel as I sit and write this.

I wasn’t expecting such a strong feeling of guilt to then start to appear last night. The past nine months, and in particular the past three weeks must have been so tough for my wife. She’s been my full time carer and has had to know exactly where I was at all times, whilst having to work full time from homep. I started to feel guilty at the stress I had caused for my daughters. I’ve not been able to see past my depression and feel I’ve only thought about my own needs for a long time. That’s what depression does. It’s energy sapping. Simply replying to a nice message, a text, whatever is such an effort and most of the time, impossible.

The more I wrote, the more positive messages I received across social media, but most of the time all I could do was give them a thumbs up, a like or a heart. So to all those who have sent so many heartfelt and caring, thoughtful messages, thank you. I’m sorry if I didn’t reply. But please take this as a GREAT BIG THANK YOU.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. A new feeling for me for 2020. I’m looking forward to starting to plan the next stage of my life next week. Never imagined writing that ten days ago.

Finally for today. British Touring Car Championship on ITV4 this Sunday. Always great to watch, even more special this weekend as the first female driver for over ten years lines up on the grid. Good luck Jade Edwards!

Love to all

Blot x