Ain't it times like these that make you wonder if you'll ever know?



I was lost
Now I'm found
I believe in you
I got no bounds 
I'm movin' on up now
Getting out of the darkness
My light shines on 
My light shines on 
Primal Scream. Movin’ on up.

Ah Monday, you son of a bitch. Hits me every week, probably like most, a different feel to my mood instantly. Means I instantly get that reminder when the alarm rings, that my wife is back at work and yet again, since January 2020, I’m not.

I instantly feel my mood lower or already wake lower as my brain starts that downward trajectory on Sunday evening of what Monday means.

I spent the best part of five hours trying to write yesterday’s blog, interspersed with watching the British Touring Car Championship on ITV2. It took so long writing for a number of reasons. 
 
  • My concentration isn’t great due to the meds and the depression.
  • I wanted to write something that really captured where I was at and constantly re read each word, sentence, paragraph and heading.
  • I needed to capture how much James Creer’s offer and input had meant.
  • I wanted to piece together constructive suggestions that TEWV management and Comms may take on board
  • I was anxious to make sure my offer to work together has the best possible chance of being taken up.
  • It’s also exhausting trying to concentrate for so long

 Guilt

I hope it resonated with a wide range of folk. I wrote to the chair of governors TEWV and also sent her a copy of the blog, asking her to share it openly with anyone she felt appropriate. If it didn’t resonate, well it diverted my thoughts for most of the day, so there is a positive. I did feel guilty as I’d promised to help my wife to tidy the house, but the need to write took over. I have decorated most of the house during lighter spells of mood this year and have the garden looking good, so maybe I was allowed one day off. 

We didn’t need to call the Crisis Team all weekend. MASSIVE PROGRESS. My wife had considered it. I hadn’t appreciated how much the dreams I’d had woken to on Saturday morning had affected me. But we got through it together.

After a final read through I hit publish and shared it across various platforms and received some lovely positive feedback, which I now can accept and know I need to see too.

After a stroll round the garden with my wife to get some fresh air and exercise, I really enjoyed making toad in the hole and actually listened to some music whilst I cooked. Having music on is a good sign. It’s very, very slowly creeping back to where I can enjoy listening to a few songs before needing silence again. 

Fears

I was aware my mood felt elevated, perhaps a little too elevated? Amanda noted that too, but it calmed as I took my Diazepam. We’ll discuss that today as it is a fear of mine that I risk developing mania having seen such a quick uplift in mood from where I was in just a week. 

I also voiced my concerns to Amanda that because we’ve managed a weekend without Crisis Team input, they will be looking to discharge me, but I’m not confident in being that well yet.

Sleep was fitful again, packed with dreams. A lot of them were distressing. They seem so real.

So on to today. I’ve sent a few messages to some lovely people who had messaged over the weekend. I’ve sent the blog to TEWV comms. 

The week ahead

I’ve an appointment via NHS Attend Anywhere with the Crisis Team Consultant Psychiatrist via NHS Attend Anywhere this afternoon with my wife.

Tomorrow the Crisis Team are coming to the house and introducing another practitioner from CMHT to discuss some joint working with both teams. 

The sun is shining again today. I plan to get up soon and either go pick fruit and lop some trees. After the appointment with the consultant I hope I might cycle a little in the garage, I’m already aware that my appetite has increased and I have seen my weight start to increase, a significant risk factor of the meds I’m  prescribed.

I want to discuss a few issues this week that have been avoided by all involved in my care to date. One is risk of overdose. The other is sex. 

So it may well be a week of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll.....

Stay positive.

Love through a mask 

Blot x


 


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