Songs from a Broken Mind. A few tougher days recently.
Looking, desperate for something and it feels like a child but they're screaming all helpless and it's
Absent of mercy, it's alive and it feels with not a shred of compassion or love
It comes like a pouring of evil, it's a stain when the ground is a desolate shadow of fear.
Gary Numan. Here in the Black. From the album Splinter (Songs from a Broken Mind)
As I’ve mentioned several times previously, choosing which artist and lyrics to quote is something I enjoy each day. Today I’ve gone back to Gary Numan. It’s a dark lyric but appropriate. Numan’s music has been with me since the late seventies and my late childhood/early teens.
If you’ve not seen it, Gary Numan: Android in La La Land (2016) is a fascinating documentary that gives a real insight into the impact various mental health challenges and mental illness can have and on coming through the other side. It’s at times deep and very dark, but also gives hope. Track it down if you can and give it a watch, even if you’re not a Numan fan.
Talk Talk and more Talk
I mentioned in yesterday’s blog just how many times you have to recall the trauma, terror and fear you may have felt in crisis whilst accessing services. I’ve counted 16 different people I’ve now had to spend at least an hour with sharing and reliving the most traumatic thoughts I’ve experienced.
Yesterday morning was the first visit by a CPN from the Community Mental Health Team, following my discharge from the Crisis Service five days previously. We’d been introduced the previous week in a joint visit by her with a member of the Crisis team, so that I knew who would be coming to visit and so at least we didn’t have to start at square one once again. If this is standard practice, credit to TEWV Mental Health Trust for this approach, it was helpful.
I’d sat with my wife to write a Crisis Plan which was shared with the Crisis Team and CMHT. The session with the CPN was to review this, go into greater depth, add further info and to try to make sure we had a document that will help flag up early indicators where my mental health may be deteriorating, so we can hopefully put in place interventions we know work for me, to give me the best chance to maintain my mental health and avoid any relapse.
Should the worst happen and I need crisis intervention, we have a clear plan of what works and also, perhaps more importantly, what doesn’t! We’ve recorded which meds work and what to avoid. If I need it, say I need it and my wife says I need it, get the meds prescribed. The unnecessary delay in getting a medical review and appropriate meds prescribed was one of the biggest learning points to take away from my experience with the Crisis Team.
We agreed to meet up again next week to check on my progress and to review my care plan. I still have some trepidation that the very quick uplift in mood since changing meds also risks it crashing again just as quickly. I’m also increasingly finding myself feeling really exhausted by mid afternoon, and that’s after getting up mid/late morning, so we’ve probably more work to do on getting the dosage correct.
Urgent Exercise Request
The big worry on the meds I’ve been prescribed is significant weight gain. I blogged earlier about my hopes to get a personal trainer. We’ve made some progress on this and gained supportive messages from local managers/ health influencers on social media. I’ve put on over 3kg now in a very short time indeed and don’t want to be in a position of needing to exercise to lose weight, rather than to improve my mental health and maintain weight. Getting a Personal Trainer is going to be my focus for the rest of the week.
WhatsApp Mate?
I think I probably voice or text messaged the most people I’ve managed to for many months yesterday evening. Tiny little bits of work related things even, interspersed with just some ‘normal‘ chats. It was a real effort but I enjoyed it until my brain just quite literally shut down and found I couldn’t even type another word, never mind think what to put.
I’m having glimpses now of thinking about work, which is a big step as its just not been anywhere near my mind. This is partly prompted by the work I’m doing with my CPN and care team.
Fast Growth, Healthy Minds?
I’m clear I want to become involved in influencing local Mental Health Services.Whilst my usual day job as a director of a social enterprise and as a charity trustee may not have been the primary cause of my clinical depression and suicide attempt, I’ve learned some valuable lessons on how I need to have a far greater balance between my work/life in the future. I’m hoping to do some work in that area, “lessons of how not to be a social entrepreneur” may not quite be the right working title, but I’d sure like to speak to funders & social investors on questioning how they push for fast growth of organisations whilst nurturing sustainable and healthy support for the entrepreneur.
Well, it’s 4pm, it’s pouring with rain, I’ve no motivation to go outside but......
- I’m listening to music (Gary Numan & Tubeway Army, Replicas album)
- I haven’t thought about dying
- I don’t feel suicidal
- I’ve completed all the tasks I’d set myself for today
- I’ve written my blog
- I’m looking forward to Chinese chicken curry for tea
- And I can see a future.
I’ll settle for that.
Love n hugs
Blot x
Comments
Post a Comment