Reflections and looking to the future. Trials, tribulations and trolls.

Looking for the things he'll never find,

talks too much about suicide,

who can tell what's on his mind?

Here comes everyone.

Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse, 

I'm only joking of course.

The Wonder Stuff. Here Comes Everyone

Saturday afternoon and I’m reflecting on the past few days, weeks and months. 

It was the first week of 2020 I drove to meet a colleague and realised something was not right with my mental health and I needed a break from work. Saw my GP a couple of days later and said I thought I maybe needed a couple of weeks on an anti depressant as I just didn’t feel right and needed a boost.

 As we head toward autumn/winter and I end another week off work and away from my ‘normal life’, I’m finally thinking for the first time since January of what my future might include. 

I hadn’t appreciated just how I’ll I’d become, nor how many challenges we would face in getting the treatment needed for my first ever episode of mental illness.

Whilst I’m taking each day step by step and it is incredibly early days in my recovery from being actively suicidal and clinically depressed, I can at last start reflecting on the journey. The Good. The Bad and The Ugly. Last night I had a sudden dip in mood and it really shocked me how suddenly it came on. It led to a very fitful sleep, but I’m back on track after taking things easy.

Despite my GP recognising my illness far sooner than I did, his efforts to get a suitable intervention to prevent deterioration failed. 

It took eight months of living in the misery of clinical depression, a request to try a fourth different anti depressant, a further deterioration in my mental illness and becoming actively suicidal before I got access to community mental health services. Then within hours there were a myriad of people suddenly telling me how ill I was. “Here Comes Everyone”!

I have no issues with any of the practitioners I’ve encountered, all of whom have been professional and caring. Nor any ill feeling whatsoever to senior management of the trust responsible for the delivery of mental health services in my area.

I do have a lot to feedback on some serious gaps in services that are disjointed, dysfunctional and not fit for purpose. I am looking forward to discussing these in a positive, progressive manner with senior management who have reached out via social media and email.

I wrote earlier this week what my hopes are for my plan of care we’ll sit down and start to construct this week with my newly assigned CPN. I have a couple of fears; that I will relapse and that I will pile on a significant weight gain, a real danger with the medication I’m on.

I’ve been vocal and pro active in searching out how to access a personal trainer through social prescribing. I’m quite proud to have gained my first ever social media troll who felt such an ask was selfish and would be a massive drain on the NHS. Not sure how much PT’s charge for a 4 to 6 week intervention that includes putting together an exercise plan and diet plan together and to coach me to lift weights safely, but if they do charge enough to be a drain, then I’m changing careers to be a trainer 😂😂😂.

I thought my days of working with NHS Mental Health services were long since gone, but the past few weeks in particular have reignited my passion to support the organisation, staff, service users and carers however I can to try to ensure the lessons from my own journey can be used to prevent errors occurring for others who may have less understanding or experience of mental health services. 

I know if it weren’t for my own professional background and that of my wife’s, I would not be writing this blog. The Stuffies’ lyrics I’ve used to kick off today’s blog say it all.

In the words of Miles Hunt, The World’s a better place for The Wonder Stuff. God Bless The Fucking Lot Of Us.

Love n hugs

Blot x