Becoming uncomfortably numb.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
Scissor Sisters 2004. Comfortably Numb.
Yeah, I know, it was a cover, but it’s my blog so I can chose which version of a song I quote from.....
I’ve not blogged for the past few days for a variety of reasons, but mostly as I’d not expected my mood level to fall off a cliff over the weekend.
I’d spent two days clearing my office out. It had become a complete mess before Xmas, my daughters both mentioned it reflected the state of my mind. Completely cluttered and impossible to navigate or find anything.....
Anyway, I did manage to mostly clear it, moved furniture around and rediscover my old vinyl collection and CDs. Got my stereo working again and did feel a sense of accomplishment Saturday evening, but by Sunday evening I just didn’t feel right. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Definitely Numb, both mentally and physically. But not in a comfortable way.
Monday morning came. Briefly woke. Instead of pressing on with finishing the office, all the old feelings were flooding my thoughts and mind. It was hard to describe just how many random thoughts were flooding my mind and how each and every one of them turned truly negative.
Tuesday was a relatively early visit (10am) from the Community Mental Health Nurse. I struggle more with getting going on mornings since moving to Mirtazapine. It was a positive enough meeting, I was honest an open about how my mood felt like it had fallen off a cliff. But we agreed there are likely to be bumps in the road. I guess it just shocked me how big a bump this felt.
Fortunately we were due to go away for a couple of nights to a beautiful cottage in the Yorkshire Dales. We couldn’t wish for a more peaceful, gorgeous idyllic place. I’m writing this now sat in a cosy lounge with a log fire burning away as the evening begins to chill.
But.....We should have been meeting some great friends right now. Not seen them for years and I was thoroughly looking forward to it, until my brain began to decide last night all the scenarios that would go wrong and how could I possibly go out and enjoy anything the way I’m feeling? The paradox between wanting to be happy and the feelings of guilt that brings and then the guilt when cancelling plans and then the guilt of feeling sheer relief at doing so. It’s hard to explain and I couldn’t start to try to. I’m avoiding answering messages that I should really know will be nice, but nope. Whatever it might be, it won’t be anything other than bad news or criticism.
I’m lucky to have such understanding friends and family. I feel that I don’t deserve them. There, I’ve written it. I know that’s the depression talking, but it doesn’t make it any less real right now.
Exercise Progress?
Calm down, I’m not exercising yet...but one positive was a call on Tuesday with our GP practice’s social prescribing bod. We thought she was initially a prescriber but it later turned out she is a social prescriber assessor, who knew there was such a post! Once we’d navigated round the continued issue I have with using the phone, we’ve a zoom call fixed for Friday to explore what my goals are in wanting a personal trainer. It’s recorded in my NHS care plan, but doubtless I’ll have to explain and recall my past nine months, that will be the seventeenth time. But fingers crossed, despite feeling rubbish, I’m still wanting to get started with exercise. I’m not pinning all my hopes on cycling and lifting being the cure all, but I know it’s something I want still want to do and so far, touch wood, my brain hasn’t been challenging this thought. Yet.
Love and socially distanced hugs
Blot x
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