In the house, all by myself. But the music is on and I’m okay.

Whatever makes you happy

Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Radiohead. Creep. 

Saturday tea time, a big step as my wife went out to meet a couple of friends, leaving me alone in the house for over two and a half hours, for the first time this year. I cooked a Chinese chicken curry with fried rice for when she got back. Listened to music, cleaned the wood burner and lit a nice fire. I felt okay. Reached out on social media, to keep my mind occupied, and got some nice replies to read and respond to. 

It went well and I was happy to have another hour today alone, whilst my wife went shopping. Music straight on, I tidied up and enjoyed watching some of the racing from Goodwood Speed Week. Being able to tolerate listening to music has given me a boost, it’s always been part of my life and apart from the odd day, I’ve not been able to listen to it pretty much all this year.

Can’t say I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’ve an appointment with a Consultant Psychiatrist from the Community Mental Health Team, who will be overseeing my care for the foreseeable future. It will be the 23rd health professional I’ll have had to recount my suicide attempt, suicidal feelings and details of my depression to. I’ve only been ‘in the health system’ since September. The number of times you have to retell your story is really exhausting and isn’t any easier anytime. We had to battle with the crisis team consultant, to get the medication both my wife and I knew I needed. I’m just hoping we connect with this consultant, that really helps if I feel someone understands what makes me, me and also listens to both my wife and I when it comes to medication and prescribing. 

I’ve previously blogged about what I hope will happen regarding a personal trainer. A good friend and former colleague of Nimhe sent me a really interesting paper on a service using nutrition and exercise programmes to control weight when patients are prescribed a specific type of medication. I’m hoping to use this along with the huge evidence base on the impact exercise has on mental health and mental wellbeing, to get my proposal through. It’s something I’ll discuss with the consultant. 

Tomorrow evening will hopefully be enjoyable regardless of how the appointment goes. Thanks to my brother for an early Xmas present, I’ve a ticket to attend an online Q&A with Gary Numan about his new autobiography, a copy of which is heading my way too.

Love n tier 1 hugs
Blot x  

 

 

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