Exercising the mind. More meds as the depression continues
I was curled up like a foetus and my muscles were stretched taut
I couldn't face the burden of another week of worry
I was broken
I took a green and yellow pill, washed down with filter coffee
'Til it kicked in
Get me out
Keep me up
Level me out
Killing Joke. Prozac People.
Met with my new Consultant Psychiatrist yesterday for the first time. I’ve felt my mood slipping and was aware I was becoming irritable, which is a danger marker we’ve identified for monitoring my mood and need for medication. So we agreed to double my dose of Venlafaxine and keep the Mirtazapine as it is, leaving an option to increase it if needed.
I’ve lost count as to how many changes of medication I’ve had so far. I know Venlafaxine is my fifth anti depressant of this year, but with each one, there’s also been changes of doses too. I’m keeping faith that we will find the right medication and treatment, but boy it’s a long slog and today I feel really numb.
I don’t know if that is down to the increase in Venlafaxine, or the consequences of a long hard day yesterday, where immediately after my appointment with the consultant, I had to spend two hours recalling in detail, my journey of depression and suicide attempt to the 28th health professional this year. By yesterday evening I felt physically sick and emotionally drained.
I try to remain optimistic, the reduction in the number of blogs I’ve written recently is mostly down to feeling low. It’s noticeable that it’s taken me three or four times longer to write this today, and that I’m struggling to piece together what I want to say.
On a brighter note, I’ve just ordered a heart monitor ready for next week when I will be starting exercise sessions. I’m to go to my GP surgery on Monday for bloods, weight, BMI etc to get a baseline.
This will be the first time I’ve ever had any structured physical training before. I’ll be learning to lift and use weights, as well as putting my road bike through it’s paces on my turbo trainer. I’ll also be given nutrition advice, and be introduced to the world of protein bars and shakes etc.
The aim, first and foremost is to hopefully improve my mental health. If I also improve my physical health, core strength and gain some muscle, that would be a huge bonus. I’ve gained significant weight since commencing on Mirtazapine, so I’m also hoping to get that under control.
I’m hoping the structure, routine and discipline of the sessions will also help in my recovery.
Finally, if you think or know that a mate is struggling, send them a message. Don’t push them for an answer, but don’t be afraid to contact them. You might not get an answer, or you may get one eventually. It’s highly likely though that it will be read and appreciated.
One way of signing off is this.
“Please don’t feel any obligation to reply to this. I know how difficult it can be to deal with things when your mind isn’t right and I wouldn’t want you to feel any pressure.“
Love and tier 2 hugs
Blot
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