A crap day.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Linkin Park. Numb

Today's lyric is mostly reference to my depression. The past seven days have felt exhausting, repetitive and a hard slog. My mood has dipped further and I have a constant feeling that everything will go wrong. It's all encompassing and relates to every single aspect of living. I'm edgy, anxious and really struggling. I've just been out for a walk in the sunshine with my wife, for the first time in a month and we've talked through all that is happening. The amount of time spent talking to all the people involved in my care is actually quite remarkable and has been a real eye opener to us both. We've both recalled our full stories of patient and carer to 28 different people since September 3rd. Each time feels like opening up a wound again and a reminder of how crap I continue to feel.

This morning I've completed the Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) and the GAD-7. I'm not sure whether the increase in Venlafaxine has had a negative effect on my mood or if I'm just anxious about commencing the case study today, but my PHQ-9 score has increased to 25 from the 22 it was last month. I've also commenced a daily mood diary from Bipolar UK, that scales mood from 0-10 which I currently rank in 'Severe Depression'. 

Whilst I know it is healthy to keep talking, which I continue to do, I feel I'm in an endless cycle of having to talk about suicide, depression and all the feelings that encompasses, which then gets me down about how I perceive myself. I pretty much loath myself at the moment and can't shake that off.

I know this isn't the real me, we chatted a lot on our walk. I'm normally an optimist, lively, fun loving and constantly on the go. I don't know where that person has disappeared to, or why they've gone. I accept it is because of depression, but I still don't really understand why it appeared and how it has taken such a grip on my life. Right now I can't imagine or remember what I felt before depression arrived. I've read previously of people stating Venlafaxine made them feel numb. I'd settle for that right now, hopefully it's a matter of time. 

Tomorrow will be my first session with a personal trainer. I'm not pinning all hopes on the sessions being a magical cure, but I am looking forward to hopefully feeling I have some purpose and focus. The sessions will also hopefully give me some time to concentrate on the exercise and distract myself from all the negative thoughts that are there from waking till sleep. I've two appointments with a Clinical Psychologist booked for January and will also be seeing a lifestyle coach in that time too. 

I'm struggling to know what to write today. Normally words flow, but today they are just not there. I've an appointment with my Community Mental Health Nurse on Friday, it's probably timely.

Finally, if you think or know that a mate is struggling, send them a message. Don’t push them for an answer, but don’t be afraid to contact them. You might not get an answer, or you may get one eventually. It’s highly likely though that it will be read and appreciated. 

One way of signing off is this.

“Please don’t feel any obligation to reply to this. I know how difficult it can be to deal with things when your mind isn’t right and I wouldn’t want you to feel any pressure.“

Love and tier 2 hugs

Blot