Cycling, golf and Christmas decorations. I feel I’ve turned a corner.

Eye to eye stand winners and losers

Hurt by envy, cut by greed
Face to face with their own disillusions
The scars of old romances still on their cheeks
And when blow by blow
The passion dies sweet little death
Just have been lies.

Propaganda. Duel. 

Today’s lyric isn’t particularly mental health related, it’s a track I’ve always liked and associate with TV coverage from days gone by of BBC’s Rally Report with William Woollard.

This time last week I was in the depths of feeling hopeless and helpless. What a difference a week can make. I’ve now exercised five days in a row. Mostly cycling indoors on a turbo trainer on Zwift. I’m generally signing up for training rides, that have structure and purpose, lasting an hour. Today’s ride was designed for people on a training regime for triathlons. It consisted of a three minutes at a gentle pace, then a minute at fast pace, followed immediately by two minutes at a pace still above the FTP figure I achieved on my first session on Thursday.

Saturday I got our decorations out of the loft and put our Christmas lights up outside. The lights do look lovely, but I really did have a feeling of where have the past 12 months gone.

Yesterday I played a full round of golf for the first time in a few months. Aside from the shock of being out in freezing rain early in the morning, I enjoyed most of it. It was particularly heavy going underfoot and as I always carry my golf bag, by the 17th hole I was truly knackered, but pleasantly surprised at having played some tidy golf. I did find I struggled to be completely sociable, but am lucky to play with folk who understand. I had a few holes where I had to put my head down and have a bit of quiet time. But at the end of the round, felt happy to have played, even if my legs suggested otherwise.

I’ve already begun to notice small changes since starting exercising. My mood has definitely lifted. I’ve a focus and a purpose for each day. Since commencing Mirtazapine in September, I’ve needed to take paracetamol around 3pm everyday, when I would always develop a nagging headache. That’s now gone. I’ve not required any for the past four days. I’ve also had four days out of six without any diazepam. That feel like progress.

I’m not taking anything for granted, but I’m hopeful that a corner has been turned. I’ve just been sent a copy of my care plan by my Community Mental Health Nurse to check and sign off. It is a salutary reminder of the challenges and risks that still may lay ahead. 

Tomorrow I have my second session with my personal trainer. It’ll be the first time I’ve ever used weights, and I’m going to be learning five different lifts along with other exercises. Fingers crossed!

Finally, if you think or know that a mate is struggling, send them a message. Don’t push them for an answer, but don’t be afraid to contact them. You might not get an answer, or you may get one eventually. It’s highly likely though that it will be read and appreciated. 

One way of signing off is this.

“Please don’t feel any obligation to reply to this. I know how difficult it can be to deal with things when your mind isn’t right and I wouldn’t want you to feel any pressure.“

Love and tier 2 hugs

Blot