I’ve not got the music in me. A Saturday night wobble.


I'm the tiny little ghost
That features in your despondent moments
The timeless whisper
The glassy dude
I'm the science of all that's wrong
And I'm making you think that you doubt
Everything you love
But I'm here to stay

I'm Miami.

Baxter Dury. Miami.

I decided the lyric I was going to use from Baxter Dury was maybe a little too strong, it would have conveyed how I’ve felt since Saturday night, but Miami is a great tune.

I’d realised at the end of last week I hadn’t listened to music for quite a few days. So as Saturday night’s TV schedule was particularly dull, I donned my ear phones and headed to YouTube to see if I could find some songs I used to listen to as a teen. Joy of joys I found a channel that has uploaded a massive amount of content from John Peel sessions. After an early set from The Stranglers, I took in another four live songs from Siouxsie and the Banshees, Psychedelic Furs and then a brilliant session by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Then it was on to a fascinating interview with Ian Dury with Michael Parkinson, before YouTube then suggested a recent live set by Baxter Dury & his son. 

Earlier in the day I’d had another session with TEC, which had gone well, and after 8 days of cycling, allowed myself a rest day. My mood was good, we’d had a good day and a lovely homemade chilli and rice for tea. 

So it was a real shock when out of the blue, and mid song, my mood and thoughts changed so drastically, almost at the flick of a switch. I don’t know if there was a trigger in the music I was listening to, I don’t think there was. I switched from being relatively chilled out, to utter despair, nausea rising, chest empty, hopeless and helpless. 

It shocked me how quickly it came on. 

The big difference now, from say three or four months ago is I immediately verbalised how I was feeling to my wife. I didn’t take any additional medication, or really need any. By telling her, it immediately felt a tiny fraction less intense. 

Those intense negative feelings and thoughts have significantly reduced over the past 48 hours. I’ve exercised each day and cycled, it has helped. The constant underlying nausea is there, perhaps a side effect of one of my meds. 

I know there are going to be bumps on the road to recovery, and I’m feeling so much better, but even the thought of music today makes the nausea increase. Yesterday I could barely tolerate any background sound at all, so I know I’m getting back on track. I tweeted about my intolerance of music and felt very reassured to see a number of folk experience the same thing.

Another session with TEC beckons in the morning....


Finally, if you think or know that a mate is struggling, send them a message. Don’t push them for an answer, but don’t be afraid to contact them. You might not get an answer, or you may get one eventually. It’s highly likely though that it will be read and appreciated. 

One way of signing off is this.

“Please don’t feel any obligation to reply to this. I know how difficult it can be to deal with things when your mind isn’t right and I wouldn’t want you to feel any pressure.“

Love and tier 2 hugs
Blot 


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